man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
