I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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