She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
