Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
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I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
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I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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