It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
