Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
