the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
