i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
