You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
