Acid is not a monday night drug
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
