I think my fart just growled at me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
