there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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