Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
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I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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