News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
