His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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