"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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