Swine flu. Run for my life!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
