Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
