Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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