i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
