Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
