You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
