I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
