is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
