we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
