what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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