i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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