My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
