My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just gargled with NyQuil
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
