Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
