Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
