He told me they were just razor bumps!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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