My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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