I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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