You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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