i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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