im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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