I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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