Im at strip club and am horny
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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