This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
