The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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