my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize