Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
