my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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