I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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