What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
