Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
