I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I cut my penus on the lid.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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