your parents love me but you hate me
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
