I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize