The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
