so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
