i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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