I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
