I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
