I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
