I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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